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A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture
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SQWEEEEE! Another one of my famous stories!!! That are not actually famous! But hopefully then are funny!!!

But... I'm going to have to apologize to some people in advance (hehe). I know that sounds bad, but it will be funny, I promise!

Amanda: Well... you already know almost the whole story... but I promise you'll be sqweetastic!

Adam: You kinda know part of it... but you're just going to be a mean grumpy guy. I won't apologize since you already know you're a mean grumpy guy ( :wink: )

Heather: Um... sorry? You're kinda a hick psychopath in this... but... um... sorry?

Dave: Um... sorry again? Well, you are definitely not a nut, but... um... do you like wearing a tutu?

Matt: Lucky you! Lucky Matt not only gets to be royalty, but also gets pecs of steel and hit on by lots of people! Of course... some of those might be guys but... whatever...

Kristin: Does she even still read this? ( :cry: ). Well, hopefully she does, becasue she gets to be... the wicked witch? well that isn't flattering at all. But she will also be a dysfunctinal Glinda wannabe and that's better.

Louisa: Sqweee! The beautiful Louisa gets to play one of fairly tales greatest heroins! And she gets to sing! How fun!

Ric: Bwahahahahaha... I forgot to cast you. But then I gave you a part. Funny stuff I tell you.

Robin: Um... you're kinda evil... but in a sneaky, cool way.

Shaun: Well you know how much I like making fun of you... so I guess I'll do it some more! But not that much...

Saadia: If she happens to come back and read this ( :( ), she will be an evil-stepsister! But don't worry Saadia, cause you're not really evil, just misunderstood. And you're smart to!

Well, Act 1 should be up tommarrow... or somthing. Anyway, try and control your impatience, as it will be up soon enough. :D

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Logan's picture

I cant wait to read this lol... and why does Matt get to be royalty? That is so unfair

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture

Amanda: the Princess of Sqweee
Matt: The Prince of Sqweee
Adam: The Emperor of Grumpelton (a.k.a. the Grumpus)
Louisa: Cinderella
Mike: The peasant guy
Robin: The grumpy squire
Kristen: The Wicked Witch
Shaun: The flamboyant step-brother
Saadia: The misunderstood step-sister
Heather: The homicidal step-mother
Dave: The fairy god father
Ricardo: Some guy


We enter in the land of Sqweee. It is a pleasant place where everybody is happy and joyous. Presently, we are at Sqweee Castle, where the royal Prince and Princess live.

Enter Princess Amanda

Amanda: My, tis a lovely morn! If only all days could be as sqweeetastic as this one! I’m sure absolutely nothing wrong will happen today! Hark! I think I here my brother coming!

Enter Prince Matt. He is the most handsome and dashing man in all of Sqweee.

Amanda: Sqweello brother! How art thou this fine morn?

Matt: (yawning) Oh, I’m okay I guess. I was up late last night with ye olde sex slaves so….

Amanda: (shocked) Brother! How can you speak of such thing?

Matt: Um… I’m a prince. I can do whatever I want.

Amanda: Oh! Quite right! We are better than normal people aren’t we?

Amanda turns and looks over at the rising sun. From the castle, she can see the entire kingdom.

Amanda: Oh brother, is the sun ascending not beautiful? Look thither and witness it!

Matt: … thither?

Amanda: yes thither! As in ‘there”.

Matt: … thither? What the hell is wrong with you?

Amanda: Well my brother, I may have fallen asleep while listening to my Shakespearian tapes last night! Hence, I can no longer speak in rightful tongues.

Matt: …right. So anyway, I figure I should throw a ball or something in order to get the plot of this story moving. Sound good to you?

Amanda: It sounds sqweeeful! I shall run down to ye olde shopping mall to pick up some ye olde party favors anon!

Matt: …anon?


Now, we come to a small cottage on the outskirts of Sqweee. Inside, we find a young a beautiful girl named Louisa cleaning the floor.

Louisa: “Clean the floors Cinderella!” “Do my hair Cinderella!” “Go to the store and buy a big a big poster of Ryan Philippe Cinderella!” I tell ya, I can’t take living with these nuts! I don’t even know why they call me Cinderella!

One of Louisa’s only friends, a small dove, flies in an open window and lands next to the beautiful girl

Louisa: Oh kind dove, you are one of the only friends I have! No offense but that’s kinda sad!

Dove: coo

Louisa: You said it! Well… I suppose you want me to sing a song for you now.

Dove: coo

Louisa: Alright. But do you mind if I sing a show-tune?

Dove: coo

Louisa: Alright then, here I go!

It’s a hard knock life, for me!
It’s a hard knock life, for me!

‘Steada treated,
I get tricked

‘Steada kisses,
I get kicked!

It’s a hard knock life!

Even livin in the land of sqweee,
Sucks when you live with the witches 3!

Yellow clothing,
Instead of a pretty red!

Sometimes I wish,
All my relatives were dead!

It’s a hard knock life!

Loneliness cannot be put into words,
When your only friend is a bird!

If only daddy hadn’t,
Eaten that day old sushi,

Then my life would be,
Nice and cushy!

It’s a hard knock life!

Dove: coo

Louisa: Yeah, I do write my own lyrics. Thanks! That’s so nice!

But the niceness of the day was suddenly ruined when Louisa’s three relatives came in. Her homicidal step-mother, Heather. Her misunderstood evil-stepsister named Saadia, and her flamboyant step-brother named Shaun.

Heather: Cinderella! Did you clean that thar floor like I asked you to? Cause if you didn’t, I’ll have to hit ya with a bat!

Louisa: Yes, I cleaned it just like you asked. But why do you keep calling me Cinderella?

Shaun: Isn’t it obvious? It’s because you always sit near the fireplace and the cinders fall on you.

Louisa: … no, I don’t. That doesn’t make any sense! I spend all my day cleaning, why would I want to get myself dirty?

Saadia: Never mind that now. We have to prepare for the royal ball that Prince Matt has just announced he was throwing.

Heather: Yeah, cause I want my baby Saadia to marry him!

Shaun: Sigh… if only I could marry him…

Louisa: (sarcastically) Well have you tried charming him? You’re both so good at that.

Saadia: From what I hear, Prince Matt is much more interested in what we can… er… offer him… than our personalities.

Louisa: You mean like, money or power wise?

Saadia: No… that isn’t what I mean.

Heather: Why is that thar bird in my house?


And now, our travels take us to a VERY bad land. No, no, this isn’t Canada we’re talking about. It’s worse. This is the land of Grumpelton. It is a dark, barren place where everybody is grumpy ALL THE TIME! It is led by the Grumpus, a.k.a. emperor Adam. We are currently in the throne room of the Grumpelton castle

Enter Squire Robin

Robin: Now let’s see… the first order of business is to kill off a random slave to prove that I’m tough… okay did that…. Ah. Here we are.

He takes out a trumpet

Robin: Now presenting, his dishonorable grumpiness, Emperor Adam! (plays trumpet)

Enter Adam

Adam: Squire! Must you always play that infernal trumpet? There is not another soul around to here it!

Robin: (dryly) I beg forgiveness sire. What could I have possibly been thinking?

Adam: Now tell my, did you hire a Wicked Witch like I asked? I can’t cast evil spells without a witch you know.

Robin: Yes sire, I hired a witch. (Plays trumpet) Oh great Witch! Come forth and present yourself to your new ruler!

By magic, a rainbow bubble appears in the distance and starts floating towards the castle. Pretty music starts playing. Finally, the bubble lands in the castle and out comes a blond witch in a sparkling silver dress.

Kristen: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Adam: …

Robin: I beg your pardon?

Kristen: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Adam: But I’m not a witch at all! I’m just a little girl from Kansas! Wait… no I’m not! What the hell is this?

Robin: I ordered a Wicked Witch, not Glinda the good witch of the North!

Adam: Well actually squire, according to the Oz books, Glinda is the witch of the South. Now the movie changed that because-

Robin: Forgive me for not giving you my full attention your majesty but we have more important things to talk about than worthless movie trivia.

Adam: …quite right.

Kristen: Are you telling me I have to play a bad witch? But bad witches are ugly!

Robin: Well… I suppose you could just stay in this costume and then do bad things…

Adam: Excellent idea! Now, use your magic to blow up that randomly placed building over there!

The witch Kristen went over to the window

Kristen: Heed my wrath for I do not toy! Use your power and that building destroy!

…Nothing happened

Kristen: Damn ye olde dollar store wands never work…

Robin: Well this is just great!

Adam: Hold up everybody! I have just gotten a very grumpy idea! You know that Princess over in Sqweee that’s always so happy? Well I think we should kidnap her and make her grumpy!

Robin: Don’t tell me you actually want to interject some plot into this idiotic play!

Kristen: Sounds like fun! I can practice my magic!

Adam: So it’s settled. We will kidnap Princess Amanda of Sqweee!


A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Logan's picture

HAHAHA... Hilarious....i cant wait for the next one...

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Disposable_Hero's picture

OMG LOL LMAO ROFL and all other such acronyms. Oh man that was so funny....more! more!

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture

HAHAHA... Hilarious....i cant wait for the next one...

OMG LOL LMAO ROFL and all other such acronyms. Oh man that was so funny....more! more!


Yeah well Matt, you better be kissing my ass for making you the hottest guy in the kingdom of Sqwee :lol: (Me and Amanda decided last night that the royal family of Sqweee should be known because they have large breasts and/or pecs :P )

Just so I can clarify... who here has seen the rogers and hammersteins version of Cinderella? or at least the remake with Brandy? The reason I ask is because I wanted to do ANOTHER song parody later on (although not with Louisa this time :( ) based on one of the songs... but if not that many people have seen it then I won't do it.

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Soulless Zombie's picture

LMFAO SQWEEEEEEEEEE! I'm pissin myself laughing here! hehehe, how funny :mrgreen:



oh! thither! my photos still need developing! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Disposable_Hero's picture

Me and Amanda decided last night that the royal family of Sqweee should be known because they have large breasts and/or pecs )

*wipes the tears of laughter out of his eyes*

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Heather's picture

I laughed so hard I think I damaged something. OMG.... Mike, I think you've missed your true calling.

Hanging out for part two. :)

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Soulless Zombie's picture

LOL :lol: i can just see the sign as you enter...

Welcome to Kingdom Sqweee
Home of the proudest breasts 'n' pecs in all the land

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture


We enter in the small house that homes Heather, Saadia, Shaun and sad Louisa. Louisa is busy making a dress for Saadia, which Shaun sits on a comfy looking sofa reading a fashion magazine. Heather is not present.

Shaun: I don’t see why mother is forcing us to have our clothes made by this bumpkin! (indicated Louisa)

Saadia: Because you said it yourself, the only clothing store in this kingdom is ye olde Gap and who would ever want to shop there?

Louisa: Try to hold still, please.

Enter Heather

Heather: Children—although not including you Cinderella-

Louisa: Louisa!

Heather: --We need to plan how you are going to woo the prince. Saadia dear, why don’t you start off by telling me how you plan to do that, and make it good or else I’ll take a semi-automatic gun to your head.

Saadia: …okay. Well, I planned to make him admire my brain! You see, I thought I’d start off by showing off my impressive knowledge of prime numbers, and then move on to the great Epic Pomes written by Homer! And then there’s a particular passage in—

Heather: Please tell me you’re kidding.

Saadia: um… no?

Heather: Daughter! I’m ashamed! I thought I raised you well enough for you to know that the only way to a man’s heart is through his pants, shorts, Speedo or otherwise!

Shaun: Trousers, tights….

Heather: If you say smart things to Prince Matt, he, being a man, will get dazed and confused and run away to the nearest ye olde strip joint he can find! And we can’t have that! What you have to do is make believe that you are a slut! Then after you get married, he’ll be disappointed but at least you’ll be the Queen!

Louisa: Not to interject, but shouldn’t you marry somebody because you love them?

Shaun: …

Saadia: well…

Heather: That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. But then again, it’s still one of the smartest thingsyou’ve ever said! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Louisa: (sarcastically) Yes I am quite the comedian. However, we seem to be out of thread and I can’t finish the dress without it!

Heather: Fine. Shaun, run out to ye olde village square and sell your body for thread.

Shaun: Again? But that’s so tiring…

Louisa: Well, it isn’t as if you’re getting any as it is…


We see the village square of Sqweee. It is a sad place, where people will sell anything for a little money. Or mayonnaise. The land of Sqweee doesn’t have much mayonnaise.

Enter Adam, Robin, and Kristen

Adam: Damn the woods! I can’t believe we had to trek all the way here!

Kristen: Well SORRY! How was I supposed to know I hadn’t checked the oil on any of my broomsticks! Jeeze, give a girl a break!

Robin: Well, I still say you’re terrible at your job and I may have to fire you if you continued to be dysfunctional.

Kristen: Hold that thought… I think I lost one of my contact lenses…

Enter Shaun, is a rather skimpy outfit

Shaun: Hey you guys! Any of you up for a good time!

Kristen: (popping in lens) I’m always ready for a good time!

Shaun: yeah… not you.

Adam: Oh no! I did enough experimenting in college thank you very much!

Kristen: …

Adam: In fact, I have a number of sad and depressing stories to tell and I think—

Robin: Wait a second, this wouldn’t happen to be one of the many stories I’ve begged you repeatedly never to tell is it?

Adam: …maybe.

Robin: Does it involve a tennis racket, a bottle of ketchup, and a cross-dressing police officer?

Adam: …maybe.

Robin: Then do us all a favor and NEVER TELL IT AGAIN!

Adam: fine…

Shaun: (angrily) Listen, there are a lot of guys who would want to get with *this*, so if you don’t mind I—

Robin: Hold that thought just for a moment! I call a group conference!

Adam: …

Kristen: …

Robin: That means you two come and talk to me quietly!

Adam and Kristen join Robin in a huddle

Robin: Listen, I think we can use this guy.

Adam: Now listen Robin, I told you after that time we got drunk together and had a secret love affair that I wasn’t going to do anything like that again!

Robin: …

Kristen: …

Robin: That wasn’t me, that was your imaginary friend Paul.

Kristen: …

Adam: Oh. Right. Go on then.

Robin: I think we could possibly bribe this guy and he could help us kidnap the Princess! All we need are a lot of clothes…


Yup. Still in the village square

Enter Amanda and Matt

Amanda: Isn’t it nice to walk among those less fortunate than us so we can laugh at them?

Matt: yeah… it really brings a guy’s spirits up… Hey you know what? I think I’m just going to pop into this place to um… make sure there isn’t any… um… illegal jay-walking going on in there.

Amanda: Let’s see… the sign on that store says…

Also we sometimes serve clam chowder

Amanda: Well anyplace that serves clam chowder must be respectable! Have a good time!

Matt: I’m pretty sure I will!

Matt exists… with a smile

Amanda: Well, I think I’ll just sit on this bench unprotected from any oncoming kidnappers.

From the shadows, we see Adam, Robin, Kristen and Shaun conversing maniacally

Kristen: Hehehehe…. Now our evil deed will be done!

Shaun: And what an evil deed it is!

Shaun picks up a rubber band and shoots it at Adam, it hits him and he cries out.

Adam: Ow!

Shaun: Bwahahahahaha! Our evil plan has worked.

Kristen: We are soooooooooo evil!

Robin: If you morons could stop chattering idiotically, then we can proceed. Shaun, you know what to do.

Shaun goes out and stands near Amanda

Shaun: Why if it isn’t the princess! What might you be doing here?

Amanda: Oh, I’m just waiting for my brother to stop eating clam chowder in that pornography store over there. I mean, I’m sure he’s only eating clam chowder and not possibly thinking any dirty thoughts. On account of how naive and unhealthily trustworthy I am.

Shaun: Hey know what! I think we should go on a shopping spree!

Amanda: should we?

Shaun: Yeah! It’ll be fun! We can go in that ominous dark store you never noticed that was just recently constructed over there.

Amanda: Let’s see… the sign for that one says…

In case you were wondering, somebody named Kristen definitely did not write this.

Amanda: Actually I was wondering that… that sounds like a great store! Let’s go!

Amanda and Shaun get up and try to enter the store. When they do however, Adam and Robin jump out with a sack and snag the princess!

Amanda: This store is dark… wait a sec! This isn’t the store! This is a sack!

Robin: Your powers of observation are most impressive.

Amanda: Guy I don’t know! Help me!

Shaun: Sorry princess, but I was promised a lot of clothing for this. And also some thread for my mom. And also a big naked poster of your brother.

Amanda: Ewwwwww… thread?

Adam: Now that we have the Princess, we may be off!

The four of them laugh, while Amanda shakes her fist angrily from inside the sack. Adam, Robin and Kristen drag Amanda in the sack out of the scene and back to Grumpelton. Shaun takes his stuff back to his house. Matt comes back out of the store looking quite happy

Matt: I love that store… and good clam chowder to. Hey, where’s my sister?


A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Disposable_Hero's picture

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: OMG it gets funnier and funnier...

If you say smart things to Prince Matt, he, being a man, will get dazed and confused and run away to the nearest ye olde strip joint he can find!

LOL It's so true :P

Heather: Fine. Shaun, run out to ye olde village square and sell your body for thread.

Shaun: Again? But that’s so tiring…

Louisa: Well, it isn’t as if you’re getting any as it is…

hahahahahahahahahahahaha....stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Shaun :P

Matt exists… with a smile

Now, either this is a typo, in which case it there's too many 's' and I exit with a smile, or I live with a smile constantly. Which is also true :)

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture



We return...finally... and despite the months that have passed, only a few hours have passed in the land of Sqweee and or Grumpelton and/or any of the sub-urbs of these two lands. We are now outside the Grumpus's castle, where evil is often done in an evil fashion. Not by Adam, as he is a fool, but by others.

Enter Adam, Robin, Kristen and a sack

Adam: Jesus come please us! Why the hell did we put all those booby traps in the woods when we knew that was the only path we could possibly travel!

Robin: Admittedly the prehistoric raptors may have been a little extreme...

Kristen: Raptors nothing! I can't believe you were sick enough to have a polka band playing where innocent and niave people could here it and fall victim to its horror!

Robin: Anyway, the good news is that we are here and we can go along with our grumpy plan!

Adam: Absolutley!

Robin: So... go ahead and start your royal grumpiness.

Adam: Um...right...so...er....

Robin: Have you forgotten the grumpy plan?

Adam: Yes, I would say that it is a distict possibility.

Kristen: Does it involve ice cream?

Robin: No. It involved taking the Princess and making her grumpy

Adam: Which Princess?

Robin: The one in the sack you moron

Kristen: Ooooooh.... that's why the sack's moving! I thought I had successfully cast a "make the sack come alive spell"! This is so dissapointing

Robin: Mother said to become a docotor but noooooo... I had to serve the government I said... I had to help the emporer I said...

Adam: Well let's begin!

Adam opens the sack, and an angry Amanda pops out

Amanda: Hey you evil grumps, why have you kidnapped me?

Adam: Because!

Kristen: Yeah!

Amanda: Damn thats a good reason.... [to herself] The only way I could possibly rescue myself is to use by large breasts to create a distraction for the men and home the witch in the glittery dress is a lesbian!

Amanda rips off her shirt reavealing her world famous breasts!

Amanda: A-ha! I've got you now!

Adam: Hot damn!

Robin: Oh please...

Kristen: Are they real?


We now go back to the little cottage which is the home to the gorgous Louisa, the brilliant Saadia, the cute Shaun( :wink: ), and the mentally unbalanced Heather. Shaun has returned with the thread, and Louisa is finishing Saadia's dress.
Louisa: There, I'm finally finished! How does it look?

Shaun: Definitely not G-sus brand... I love those clothes...

Saadia: It isn't all that bad...

Heather: I suppose it will have to do. The ball is tonight after all!

Saadia: [shocked] Tonight! But why so soon?

Heather: It was planned for this Saturday night, but when Prince Matt realized that he couldn't sleep with his mistress until he actually had a wife, he thought he should get one as soon as possible.

There is a honk from outside

Heather: Hey, that must be the driver ofour limo!

The driver honks again. Heather takes out a revolver and shoots him through the window. There is a gasp and a scream, and then silence

Heather:Don't you hate it when people are impatient? I guess I'll have to drive us, come along Saadia and Shaun

Louisa: Oh crazy step-mother, can't I go to the ball also? I haven't had a date in so long and I"m sick of reading all these crappy romance novels!

Heather: You? Go to the ball? Ha! Don't make me laugh! But you already have, so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shaun: Your not stylish enough to go

Saadia: And your covered with to much soot Cinderella!

Lousia: Once again, NO SOOT! What, did you people stab your eyes out?

Heather: No, although I have often thought it may stop the horrific visions I see at night.

Heather, Shaun and Saadia leave to go to the ball

Louisa: Oh, stars in the sky, I wish that I may go to the ball and have a social life! A dove is no healthy friend for a girl!

All of a sudden, a bright flash appears in the sky! A light swiftly comes down and lands in front of Louisa, reaveling... Dave in a tutu!... Dave in a tutu?

Dave: Hello Louisa, I'm your fairy godfather!

Lousia: [looking him up and down] You? But why can't I have a fairy god mother?

Dave: We're all out of fairy godmothers. It seems everyone wants them. Meanwhile, I do great work every day and nobody wants a fairy godfather! You know who my past client was?

Lousia: Who?

Dave: Paris Hilton! And look at the great little slut she became! A sex tape and everything!


Lousia: Well that's great but I don't want to be a slut, I want to go to the ball!

Dave: Duh, how do you think your going to get Prince Matt to notice you? You have to dress like your working the streets of Las Vegas!

Louisa: Who said anything about wanting to be with Prince Matt? All I want is to make some friends!

Dave: How sad for you.

Louisa: Thanks. Your sweet.

Dave: Well... I suppose just this once I can try and give you something frilly...


[i]And now we see a new house, where a single peasant lives. Despite being very poor he is also very nice and deserves to be the unsung hero of the play, if not the greatest character ever created!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike: Hello, I'm the peasant

Like Louisa, Mike looks up at the sunny sky...which makes so sense in the time continutiy since it was dark at Louisa, but any good writer knows its not time continuity that seels a book, its the amount of meaningless sex in it

Mike: I had some great meaningless sex the other night...


Mike: ...In my dreams becasue I'm to much of a loser to do it in real life

Despite having written it, I did NOT see that one coming!

Mike: Anyway, I really wish some handsome, bare cheasted prince with great pecs would ride up on a while horse and make me with love slave.

Enter Prince Matt, on a white horse, wearing no shirt

Mike: Wow that worked well... [he looks up at the sky again] I also wish I had a new car!

Prince Matt: Hello peasant whose name I could care little about. I, as I'm sure you know, am the shocking handsome Prince Matt. Notice the pecs of steel?

Mike: Oh I noticed them all right

Matt: Anyway, I have a huge favor I need to ask of you!

Mike: You want me to be your love slave? Cuase I'm sure I could make room in my non-existant schedule for it

Matt: ...Never have I wanted to say no to something more than now....no.

Mike: Aw....

Matt: It has come to my attention that my slightly dimwitted sister Amanda has been kidnapped by the Emporer of Grumpelton. I would go get her, being the dashing prince I am, but I'm throwing this ball and I'd really like to get my freak on and you know how it is...

Mike: Sadly no, I don't. Anyway, it would be my honor to go and rescue Princess Amanda from the evil and slow grumpus!

Matt: Good, then its all settled. I'll have meaningless sex [This should sell well if ever published], and you save my sister who I don't care all that much about.

Mike: It sounds like a plan!


Ally: Everybody stop where you are

Mike: [stepping out of a freeze frame] Uh...Ally... the act has ended.

Ally: Yeah well, I think its very unfair that I'm not in this!

Mike: Well you came late! What was I supposed to do!

Ally: Yes, but can't you re-write part of the script?

Matt: [stepping out of freeze frame] now wait just a second, can't we vote before we just change the script?

Mike: [angrily] This is my play I'll do whatever I want. [Takes out script and looks at it] Hmmm...

Louisa: [Entering stage] I was just changing out of costume when I heard we might be changing things around!

Mike: Well... come on guys, help me find a part we can put Ally in!

Ally: Yeah!

Louise: [Looking over at script] Hey... what does this say? I let Matt do WHAT to me?

Matt: [grinning] Hehehe..fun stuff... I especially like the part where Adam, upon seeing us, starts crying as he has no chance with Lou

Mike: A-HA! This will be the perfect place... here's what we will do [whispers secret Ally inclusion plan to others]

Ally: Sounds good!

Lou: I can live with that... but take out that part about Matt doing that thing to me.

Mike: Alright.

Matt: Aw...


A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Disposable_Hero's picture

OMG it's fantastic!

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture

ACT IV: SCENE I: THE REDISH CARPET (With special guest, Joan Rivers and Julia, a girl who may be joining FL in the future)

We return to the story right outside of the Royal Castle of Sqweee, the home of Prince Matt and Princess Amanda, provided that the people of Grump do not do something drastic like slit her open and eat her innards. Tonight is the night of the royal ball, where Prince Matt hopes to meet a beautiful girl that he can settle down with (or at least have her take care of his illigitamate children while he has 'fun' with playboy bunnies)

Joan Rivers: Oh my god everything here is fabulous tonight. We are here at what should be the red carpet to the Prince's ball. Unfortunately due to a mix up at 'Arabian Magic Carpets', the carpet is only a 'redish' color. But let's see who we can find none the less.

Spotting Heather, Shaun and Saadia, Joan runs over

Joan: Oh, Heather a minute of your time (Heather come over). Hello Heather you look simply gor...y tonight. Who...or what... are you wearing?

Heather: I killed me a cow on the way over! There was lots of blood!

Joan: Facinating. And Shaun, who are you wearing?

Shaun: This is a little something from the Gsus Spring collection

Joan: Wonderful. And...you...other girl whose name I can't recall

Saadia: I'm Saadia, Joan. You've talked to me dozens of times!

Joan: Oh, thats right. If your looks weren't so overwhelmed by your step-sister, I might have remembered that!

Saadia: Cinderella gets me again!

Joan: Right... and where is beautiful little cindersoot tonight?

Saadia: Not here!

Joan: Obviously. Now excuse me Sandy, I think I see Prince Matt over there.

Joan leaves Heather, Shaun and Saadia and goes over to Prince Matt, who just arrived on a stretch carriage.

Joan: Oh my goodness, Matt over here!

Matt: Hello Joan, don't you look like the twenty year old you paid you look like.

Joan: Only the best plastic surgery for me Matt you know that. So tell, me what kind of girl are you looking for tonight?

Matt: Oh, I want a nice, smart girl, with a Ginormous brain and even larger breats!

Joan: Of course. But whatever happend to Julia?

Matt: ...Julia?

Joan: Your ex-girlfriend? You know, the princess from the land of 'Pryty' who became the darling of the media when she hooked up with you? The one who we never mentioned before in this story? The one who strangly dissapeared without any notice?

Matt: Julia...Julia... why does that name sound so familiar? I can't remember any Julia...

Puzzled by this new name which may not be as new as it seems to him, Matt continues into his castle and the ball comences


Our story now follows Mike, the poor and lonly peasant whose life is filled with perpetual depression and lonlyness DESPITE the fact that he is soooooooo completely awesome and obviously the best character EVER CREATED.


Mike is currently traveling through the woods that leads to Grumpelton, so he can retrieve Princess Amanda. His adventure will be filled with unspeakable horrors and trajedy

Mike: (sighing) Wow... what a completely boring journey. I haven't even seen one unspeakable horror yet. This sucks.

All of a sudden, something that does NOT suck happened. As Mike was walking through the woods, he heard a strange voice. It was a girl's voice, and she was singing, and it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard in his entire life. Entrances, Mike walked towards the sound

Mike: Must...follow...singing........must...give...girl...recording...contract

As Mike followed the singing, he came upon a tall tower that seemed to have no front door. The beautiful noise seemed to be coming through a huge window near the top of the tower.

Mike: Hello...is sombody up there?


Mike: Hey, you can stop singing...can you talk english?


Mike: I'm pretty sure some of those were not real notes...

We-need-a-name: LA-PRE-TASO-FLACH-KARY--


Suddenly, the singing stopped and a beautiful girl came to the window and looked out

Julia: He-hello? Is sombody there?

Mike: Yes! My name is Mike! I'm on a journey to rescue Princess Amanda of Sqweee!

Julia: Who?

Mike: Can you tell me your name?

Julia: Of course! My name is Repunzal.

Mike: Repunzal... but the name tag at the beginning of your dialouge sentence says "Julia"

Julia: Yes, I noticed that also. The only thing I can figure out is that the writer made some sort of continuous typo. I should know my own name after all.

Mike: Wait a sec... you wouldn't happen to be the same Julia who once went out with Prince Matt and then strangly dissapeared and was forgotten, are you?

Julia: I already told you my name is Repunzal... Prince Matt? Why does that name sound so familiar?

Mike: Hey, can you get down from that tower? I don't see a door.

Julia: Oh no. My mother locked me in here. The only way anybody can see me is if they climb my hair. (Julia leans over, showing her blond...ish hair)

Mike: Okay... then Repunzal, Repunzal, let down your blondish hair!

Julia: Um...well the problem is, my hair isn't long enough yet. You see, my mother only recently put me here so...

Mike: Oh...well if you want to jump down I could catch you. Then you could go to Sqweee and see Prince Matt and see if you recognize him!

Julia: Okay!

With complete trust in Mike, Julia leaned backwards and tumbled out of the tower. She promptly hit the ground.

Mike: Oh...well that was a tactical error on my part. Sorry.

Julia: (sarcastically) Gee thanks. Well I guess I'm off to see this Matt person!

Mike: And I'm off to rescue a princess! Bye!


We are once again outside of Matt's castle. Everyone is inside now,as the ball has started. Everybody that is, except Lousia, who is just now arriving at the castle

Louisa: Sure, he can give me a nice dress but he can't give me a mode of transportation? These stupid glass slippers he gave me are not walking shoes! And glass slippers???? If I stomp, I'll put myself in the hospital!

Dave appears in a flash of light

Louisa: Well speak of the devil

Dave: No, no I'm your fairy god father. The devil wears more red.

Louisa: Well what do you want?

Dave: I forgot to mention that you can only have these things until midnight. Then they will all magically dissapear! Except the glass slippers of course.... those will conveniently stick around.

Louisa:(sarcastically) Oh goody. I can wear them again when I wear my porclain dress.

Without warning, Dave dissapears in a flash of light

Louisa: Any more of this appearing and dissapearing and that lights going to give me a siezure!

Ally appears on stage. She is an old, wrinkly woman who is carrying a basket of apples

Ric: Have an apple dearie?

Louisa: ....Ric what the hell are you doing here?

Ric: (clearing his throat) I SAID 'Have an apple dearie?'

Lousia: I don't think men should say 'dearie'. And this is Ally's part! Can we cut?


Mike comes on stage

Mike: Ric, what are you doing?

Ric: What? Is it so wrong to want to act?

Mike: You have a part. You're the witty servant to Prince Matt.

Ric: I have about two lines! I want a bigger part!

Louisa: For god sakes Ric, this part is for a woman!

Ally marches onstage, carrying a length of rope

Ally: This baffoon tied me up and locked me in a closet!

Ric: I resent that

Mike: Is this true Ric?

Ric: Hey, I've been here since the beginning and I get a small part. Ally just walks in one day and she gets to be an evil genius!

Lousia: SHUT UP! You're giving the plot away!

Ric: I put a lot of work into FL just to get-

Mike: A lot of work?

Louisa: Two posts isn't a lot of work. Now go!

Ric: (defeated, Ric begins to leave) Fine! I'll bide my time! But as for you (pointing to Ally), I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! (cackling, Ric runs off stage)

Ally: What dog?

Mike: (sighing) Can we please just continue the scene from where ALLY comes on?

Louisa: Yes, let's.


Ally: Have an apple dearie?

Louisa: Oh... my father alwasy told me not to eat strange foods... ironically, he died by eating day-old sushi

Ally: Oh, but sweety, apples aren't strange. Look! (Ally takes out one of the apples and bites into it) You see? No harm done! Have one!

Louisa: (Tentativly) Well...alright. I suppose one bite couldn't hurt. (Louisa takes the apple and bites into it). Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuum... red delicious! Thanks lady!

Louisa exits

Ally: ...What? Why didn't it work? That apple was laced with laxatives! That girl should be doubled over with stomach cramps, just about--

Ally clutches her stomach in dismay

Ally: Oh... I knew I should have labled which apple with which!

Later, we see Ally leaving a nearby outhouse

Ally: Curses! My evil plot to ruin Louisa's reputation failed!

In a puff of smoke, Ally's ugliness and age melt away, and a new woman appears. The woman is cloaked in black, and although pretty in her own right, she is obviously evil. She is carrying a black staff with a green ball at the top

Ally: I, Ally, most powerful sorceress in the land am not used to failing! (she sweeps her black cape dramatically) Nobody crosses Ally and gets away with it!

Ally: I finally got my dear, sweet, Repunzal all to myself! She is so beautiful...just like she was when she was a child! Imagine my shock to find that there was not one, but two other women in the land whose beauty and voice riveled that of my childs! Louisa and Amanda's beauty and song shall rein no more once I am through with them!

Laughing a deliciously evil laugh, Ally dissapeares in a puff of smoke


A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Allyana's picture


This is great. You are really hilarious Mike :D

And Ric... Porca miseria! I beat you. :D

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Logan's picture

Once again, completely hilarious

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Kieran's picture

hehehe, punk...its not the quantity, its the quality :P

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Mike's picture

hehehe, punk...its not the quantity, its the quality

Oh...then maybe try to make your next post GOOD and I'll reconsider my position

(HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE...I'm so unnessesarily evil...)

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Kieran's picture

don't make me come there and beat u with a sheet of paper :!:

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Firefly's picture

OMG. That was so funny!!!
I'm dying!!!

A really fractured fairly tale!!!!!

Soulless Zombie's picture



please mike :D i want some more!

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