The All-American Bible
Want Christian integrity, but you're sick of the bull? Looking for the cure?
Let’s face it. The Bible is an influential book. Even a cool book. But it’s a dry cool, like reading Shakespeare. It needs to be translated a bit more. Here I give you seven ways to relate to the Bible, perhaps read it, and perhaps actually finish it.
1. Every time God Speaks, imagine him sounding just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.”
Heh heh heh.
Or:
“Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain. Crom.”
:D
“Remember, Moses: 'I’ll be back.'”
2. Read it out of order at Warp 9
Every day, flip to a new page and read it as fast as you can. Don’t bother trying to understand what you were reading. You wouldn’t have understood it no matter how slowly you viddies the words.
3. Treat the Bible as Pulp Fiction
Memorize a particularly bizarre passage from either the New or the Old Testament and recite it every time you assassinate someone.
4. Pretend the Bible is a bird.
Face it toward the floor, open it, and move it rapidly up and down, so the covers move like wings and the pages flap.
5. Read it to Children.
Except read it like a Mad Lib. Every time you come to a noun (or a verb, or an adjective), ask the children for suggestions.
6. Talk to your Bible.
Talk to it like you would talk to your wife. For some, this is lovingly. For some, it is expected that the Bible should fetch you a beer and shut the f**k up. Place it on the linoleum and watch it go.
7. Copy the bible in your sloppiest handwriting on college-ruled note paper from memory.
After you've reached page 1,003, open your eyes. Read what has transpired. Are you pleasantly pleased?
BONUS! #8
8. Pretend you're A Clockwork Orange's Little Alex, helping with the crucifixion of Jesus, or the deposition of Jesus, or helping visualize the Ecce Homo, or getting it on with your wife's handmaidens.
Now you've got it. The bible ain't so hard.
You're cured, alright.
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The fools. No one can catch me! MuHaw Haw Hawwwwww!
http://www.geocities.com/sidsiclid/sidlett.html?1035587277110
(Nah. I wrote 'em a check. When I was damn good and ready.)
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This might be the liquor talking, but (on the members list) I want my name to be bolded. I don't want to become a moderator, which is what it takes to have your name made thicker, more colorful, more noticeable, bigger, better, stronger than the other names. I just want it to happen. Like that. Like magic. I want to be a star without working for it. Can anyone help me?
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In my spare time, have recently been rereading an on-line text of the Principia Discordia and came across one story within it that I thought I should share. Hope Sid doesn't mind my jumping into his thread like this, but it seemed fairly appropriate to put it here.
A SERMON ON ETHICS AND LOVE
One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?
"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"
WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON'T SOUND WELL.
"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
"But nobody Wants it! Everybody hates it."
OH. WELL, THEN STOP.
At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.
SINISTER DEXTER HAS A BROKEN SPIROMETER.
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It's okay, Adam. What's the point of starting a thread if you don't want anyone to post within?
However, I didn't get the point of what you posted. Yes, I know: Sid's dumber than dumb gets--excluding those two guys I know that camp outside the Safeway at night. But maybe you could enlighten me. I was with the story until the end.
"At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.
SINISTER DEXTER HAS A BROKEN SPIROMETER"?
Since my aunt is a respiratory therapist, I know what a spirometer is. But that's about all I get from this "punchline" to the story. Please to be explaining.
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"Sinister Dexter has a broken Spirometer" is just one of those random lines that get tossed into the Principia. Some other ones include "My karma ran over your dogma," and "Will whoever stole Brother Reverend Magoun's pornography please return it." Those lines are just random, which is to be expected when you seek salvation through the generation of utter nonsense.
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Okay. Now that I realize we're dealing with nonsense, it makes, er, sense. :D I can dig it.
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Haha, I just refound this thread.
Remember Adam, King Kong died for your sins!