from http://www.livejournal.com/users/vajranatha/87929.html
GODS SURVEY
PLEASE RESPOND AT YOUR LEISURE.
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a
few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that
your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not
disclose your name or address, if you prefer not to have a direct response
to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Roots on the River Festival
___ Other:
___ Who?
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Higher Power
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
parts in good working order, with no obvious breakage, or missing
attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you encountered.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ His Will conflicts with my will
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse
Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesnt stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a God? Please check all that apply:
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Needed to feel Mother Superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply:
___ Self-help books
___ Tarot, Astrology
___ Star Trek re-runs
___ Fortune cookies
____ Annies Mailbox
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
___ Biorhythms
___ EST
___ Television
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggart
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human Sacrifice
___ Wandering around in desert
___ Burning shrubbery
6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If
so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Eric Clapton
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Fred Eaglesmith
___ Phish
___ Grateful Dead
___ Other:
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine
Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer:
___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Dont know; whats Divine Intervention?
8. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1
to 5, Gods handling of the following; 1 = unsatisfactory,
5 = excellent:
DISASTERS:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood/Tsunami
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship
MIRACLES:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5.
1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:
1 2 3 4 5 Gods Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
10. Do you have any additional comments or
suggestions for improving the quality of Gods services?
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Gods Survey
LOL! That was so funny, if I had been drinking milk while reading it I would have squirted it out my nose for sure. :D
And just for the record, I HAVE a VCR that sets the clock itself, go God your power is divine! (but not too divine since he also created the power cut which creates the need for the clock to be reset in the first place!)