Brought to you by the power of LTHW (Learning The Hard Way) Inc. its What Matt Has Learnt.
To better my fellow man, I have compiled here in a user-friendly format and in no particular order a list of lessons I have learnt for your reference, to allow you to learn from my mistakes. To be updated when new lessons are learnt…
Heed my words of wisdom:
1) Don't smoke weed at college kids...
2) Your last ever lesson in a particular subject means you will have no more ever, which means if you don't go, the teacher can't have a go at you...
3) BUT don't get cocky and knock on the window of the class you've just skipped thinking said teacher isn't in the room...
4) Shouting expletives in surprise is not a way to remain inconspicuous. Likewise, neither is running away very quickly...though the latter can aid you in escaping whatever wrath is coming your way, particularly if it is a teacher whose lesson you've just skipped...
5) That girl who you weren't that interested in is actually pretty cool. Finding out at the last minute when you'll probably never see her again, however, is not. (Neither, for that matter, is finding out that girl who you were quite interested in has a boyfriend...but thats a different matter).
6) (And this is a biggy) Sod's Law knows no bounds. So don't give it a reason to bite you in the arse
7) If God wanted you to fly, he would have given you wings. Not weed.
8) When a girl gets a new haircut, say ‘that’s nice’ and move on. Whatever you do, do not say ‘what the hell happened to you?!?’.
9) They ask you to study for exams for a very good reason. This is not, in fact, that you get the lesson off.
10) Never say never…until you’ve drunk a bottle of vodka all by yourself in record time. Then you can say ‘never again’.
11) Sometimes, it’s best to just not bother and quit whilst you’re ahead. For example, don’t even bother pursuing somebody knowing they are unavailable even though you think you may have a chance. The laws of probability don’t operate under these circumstances, so it will only end in tears and heartbreak. Alternatively, don’t bother taking up a course you know you are going to hate and/or not pass. That will only end in frustration and yet more tears.
12) They invented leagues for a reason; to save yourself time and effort. Yes, she is way out of your league.
13) The next time you think of something funny in your head, don’t say it out loud. Especially around somebody you are trying to impress, that is if you don’t mind the odd looks and dismissal
14) There are two types of people in this world; the Haves and the Have Nots. Despite how much you think you have, you will always be one of the Have Nots.
15) Never believe someone when they say they are happy being single. Not only are they lying to you, they are lying to themselves. The worst thing you can do is to break their fantasy, which will crush them. The second worse thing you can do is flaunt with your other half in front of them. The best thing you can do is find them somebody of their own.
16) Somedays, it’s best to just stay in bed. Nobody is going to miss you in the slightest.
17) Everytime something goes right, somebody, somehow, will screw it up. Even if they have nothing to do with it. Expect the worst, and you won’t be as affected as you would have been had you expected the best. See Lesson 6; ‘if it can go wrong, it will go wrong’.
18) Claiming to be reading what it says on a woman’s t-shirt is, surprisingly, not an excuse for staring at her breasts.
19) Being single sucks.
20) Depression is contagious.
21) Ignorance is bliss. This can be applied to many circumstances. What you did whilst drunk, what goes through other people’s heads or whether somebody you are interested in has a boyfriend among them.
22) Don’t confuse the stoned and/or drunk guy. He’s only gonna get frustrated and angry.
23) Just because it looks dark outside when it’s supposed to be summer, don’t wear the long leather coat. You will get ten feet before the sun comes out. Better to go all day chilly than sweating buckets.
24) The first step is hardest. It will get easier after that. You just have to summon the strength to take the first step…
25) Your body needs sleep for a reason. It can only go so many hours before it gives up. It is just not possible to go twelve hours on sugar, nicotine and caffine.
26) Don’t drink gone off vodka.
27) Don’t drink your own body weight in alcohol, particularly if it is alcohol of various types. A body has its limits for a reason.
28) Never, ever, type ‘bestiality porn’ on kazaa. Nor, for that matter, ‘Granny porn’ (don’t ask).
29) You learn something new everyday. It will not be important, rather taking up the space reserved for important stuff. For example, you will learn this and not the meaning of life (which, conversely, is not 42).
30) The gods are having a laugh at your expense. Because, surely, life can’t be this bad.
31) Never rely on a stoner friend to supply notes for a lesson you have skipped. It’s just not gonna happen.
32) They say ‘fill out at least two weeks prior to the date’ on a holiday form for a reason. This is not to take up space on the peice of paper.
33) Lunch is an important meal of the day. It is surprising just how much even a small lunch can keep you going throughout the day until you get home. It is also surprising just how hungry you can get without even a small lunch, and just how much hunger causes you to lose concentration. Therefore, don’t leave your lunch at home.
34) Be sure to read all instructions on a box of paracetemol. Pay special attention to the ‘effective pain relief’ part. Don’t just read that phrase, assume that’s all there is to it, and take double the dosage as it’s a bitch of a headache. Because its very possible that for the pain to be effectively relieved, you have to be unconscious. This is often mentioned after the ‘pain relief’ part with ‘may cause severe drowsiness’. *Actually happened.*
35) If there is anything worse than having an exam to look forward to the next day, it’s having an exam to look forward to the next day that you haven’t prepared for with a nicotine craving. Remember: studying is not just an excuse to party.
36) There is not a single person in the entire world with too little a social life to do their weekly shopping on a Saturday night at 9:30pm. Therefore, those people that do are there purely and simply to piss you off and stop you from closing half an hour early.
37) Never insult the GM. Unless you like having your character’s get hit over the head with a brick. Or shot. Or eaten by a dragon.
38) If the army use an area as a training ground, it’s going to be hell without the fire or the guy with the pitchfork. Knowing this, don’t volunteer to walk across it with more than a quarter of your bodyweight on your back for three days.
39) Never go over your manager’s head to get something done, for example have a day off that he said no to. You’ll be doing suckass jobs until you or him quit.
40) A mobile phone cannot survive getting bathed in washing up liquid and wet. Period. Don’t try and test this one.
41) Its actually quicker, easier and less painful to actually do something than spend time thinking of excuses why not to do it.
42) If you are entrusted with something by a friend DO NOT lose/break/defile/sexually abuse it.
43) Don’t get wasted around 14-year-old girls…(fortunately NOTHING happened). Actually, don’t get drunk around any girl under half your age plus seven.
44) Don’t get really drunk, then sleep for three hours, then go drink some more.
45) Drinking, dancing and smoking all at the same time is doable, just not easily. Don’t mix all three in a tightly packed area. People will get upset.
46) Don’t smoke weed before breakfast.
47) Leave a minimum of 12 hours for cleaning when the parents come back from holiday…
48) It is indeed possible to go from a tremendous high to an absaloute low in a small amount of time.
49) Never rely on stoner friends to get anything done. Espcially not something important. Besides picking up and skinning up, that is.
50) When it comes to parents, they, like women, are always right. Don't even bother trying to argue with them, because you'll always be in the wrong. Try to pull the same thing on them, however, just results in them claiming they don't have to defend themselves, and yet you do.
51) It isn't just politicians that employ circular logic, but parents do, too.
51) You can move out as early as 16 if you so wish/can afford. Or you can join one of the armed forces at the same age. This is for a reason.
- Login to post comments
Post to Twitter
