Submitted by Stalker on Sun, 07/28/2002 - 05:32
Posted in
...at that time Gunther came along wearing his shiny emerald slippers and stood next to the manatee.
Luke, flush with anger took out his lightsaber and attempted to kill both Gunther and the Manatee. He aimed for thier heads and swiped his light saber.
Nothing happened, Luke realised that his light Saber had ran out of batteries.
With that, depressed Luke ran away screaming, "I'll be back"
Gunther....
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...hid under the bed, however it wasn't a monster in the closet it was his Uncle Ernie - finally coming out of the closet after 15 repressive years. The boy climbed out from his hiding place and...
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stared in wonder at the stranger. He was clothes in a billowy shirt, and skin tight breeches. The boy had seen this kind before. Cautiously, he offered...
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...to let his Uncle Ernie some different clothes but then he realized that Uncle Ernie was wearing Aunt Edna's clothes, and considering that Uncle Ernie was coming out of the closet after 15 repressive years it was fully appropriate that he manifest himself as Aunt Edna who had always looked almost identical to Uncle Ernie and the boy wondered if he had ever really seen the two of them in the same place at the same time despite the fact the he knew that his Aunt Edna was actually his mother's sister. * So that means, * he thought...
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...I am going to spend most of my adult life in therapy getting over this traumatic series of revealing events. However the boy - his name was Gunther, decided not to worry about this until he had to. Instead he decided to follow the man that had been screaming like a banshee, thinking this might be more interesting than solving his own screwed up childhood trauma. Gunther soon spotted the man...
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...foaming at the mouth and gnawing on his heavy coat with wild-eyed intensity because...
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...he didn't have anything else to eat seeing as he'd just wasted his perfectly servicable ham sandwich luring that freaky mer-creature. Gunther watched in horror as....
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the banshee-wannabe started ripping the coat into pieces and swallowing them - a post-mermaid-trauma-handling-trick he'd learned from his psychiatrist.
Suddenly, he caught sight of Gunther standing some distance away, watching him with a morbid fascination. He...
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stared at the boy and his aunt/uncle in wonder, unable to fathom where they might have come from. The banshee man approached them cautiously, the mer-creature forgotten for the moment. He started to speak...
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... but all he could manage was to cough up bits of half-chewed coat. Gunther and Uncle Ernie/Auntie Edna ...
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stood frozen in place, unsure what they should do. Finally, the recently returned recluse went over to the choking man and began to pound on his back. A moment later, the old man was breathing deeply, a grateful smile on his face.
"Thank you," the man's voice was raspy from the coughing and choking.
"Can I ask you a question?"
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"You can ask," said Edna/Ernie, "but I may not answer."
So Gunther kicked him in his shapely legs for being obtuse, and the old man laughed at the sight of Ernie/Edna hopping on one foot in his discount pumps. Gunther looked the old man in the eye and said "Quid Pro Quo" (Because he had watched Silence of the Lambs and knew what that meant).
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...however the man hadn't seen that movie and didn't know what the young kid was on about, so, after coughing up another piece of his coat he asked his question anyway...
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"It's just that I seem to have been discombobulated by the mercreature and the coat, and you all, so," the old man glanced around curiously. "where, exactly, are we?"
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"Ah," said Edna/Ernie, tapping the side of her/his warty nose conspiratorily, "That would be telling, now, wouldn't it?" Gunther gave his aunt/uncle a withering stare before commenting....
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"Whats the matter you can't read?" he said pointing up at the sign that clearly read "Coney Island, America's Playground" above their heads.
The old man stared at the sign for a long time and said, "No, I can't"
Earnie/Edna had been cackling quietly to her/himself suddenly grabbed the old man by the well gnawed collar and ...
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with wild eyes hissed, "Beware the giant daffodils. They watch you, you know...". Edna/Ernie suddenly let go of the old man and ran awkwardly down the road in his/her high heels. Gunther and the old man ...
...
...walked hand in hand down the street. "I think I'm falling in love" said...
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Sally to her girlfriend Marsha, "Freddie and I are so perfect together!"
Marsha wanted to slap Sallie for being silly since Marsha was ...
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... only eleven years old, and much too young to be thinking about boys ;) . Gunther stopped listening into their conversation and turned to the old man as they continued to walk past the boy-mad girls and down towards the railway station.
"So do you have a name?" asked Gunther curiously, he had to admit his mom had always told him not to go with strangers, especially weird, banshee-coat-chewing-foaming-at-the-mouth-stark-raving-lunatic type strangers...
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"Oh yes..." came the reply.
Gunther waited but it became apparant that the old man was not going to say anymore. Mildly exasperated, Gunther snapped, "Well, what is it?!"
"What is what?" came the baffled question.
"What is your name!" Gunther yelled.
"Oh... It's Bond... James Bond." The old man ripped off his disguise, revealing his true, handsome self. "I'm a secret agent and I need your help. You see, I'm here on a secret mission that involves..."
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biscuits. Er...well, actually, it could be about cookies. The information I have is not all that clear."
The secret agent man stopped to glance around, and then leaned towards Gunther whispering conspiratorally, "The truth is, there's something strange going on there."
He pointed to...
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a large purple coloured building in the distance. An enormous, neon-lit sign above is said
*~* Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory *~*
Gunther's eyes were scornful. "Don't be ridiculous. Willy Wonka's got nothing to do with biscuits or cookies! He makes chockies!"
"That's what's so strange!" Bond exclaimed. "You see, my dear boy, the other night, I snuck up to one of the windows, peeked in and saw..."
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a dozen or so little men with pointy striped hats and strange, colorful clothes. They were carrying trays of biscuits from a large stone oven to an odd looking vehicle. It was like a large tree on wheels. The little men were babbling on about "magic dust" and such dribble. So, have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?"
Bond was waiting eagerly for a response. Gunther, looking thoughtful, replied...
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..."What's so strange about that? My mom bakes brownies like that every Wednesday, when Uncle Ernie used to come round to borrow her pantyhose... magic dust was one of the 'special' ingredients"
Little Gunther was hungry, he could really go for one of those 'magic brownies' right now...
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Mr. Bond was staring at the boy with a very peculiar look on his face. He squinted and realized that with a hat and the right clothes, this child would look an awful lot like one of the midnight bakers. He backed away slowly.
"Right," Bond said, "well, uh...I should really get going. Lots of top secret agent stuff to do."
Gunther sensed something was not right. He quickly decided...
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...the the secret guild of Baking Elves would really like to know about this odd stranger since he might have the secret of The Colonel's Eleven Herbs and spices in his overcoat and that would explain why he was chewing on it. Or maybe he was just freaked out.
Gunther decided to play it safe and ...
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invite the man inside for tea. That way, when his mother came home in a while, he could consult with her. "Would you like to come in for tea?" Gunther asked politely.
James Bond looked askance at the boy's abrupt change of subject, but he hadn't had anything to eat in quite awhile, not counting the overcoat which Q had assured him was quite edible, but he had found out tasted just like you'd imagine an old overcoat would. So, bearing that in mind, and seeing as the boy was the first real lead he'd found in ages, Bond agreed.
The two started walking back to the boy's house and came upon...
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Gunther's mother, Yvonne. Yvonne was out on the porch watering the flower boxes there. Gunther ran up and hugged her. It had been a very strange day and he needed the reassurance of normalcy and Moms were good for that.
Yvonne waved at her brother Edna and turned to Gunther's new friend. The light of recognition suddenly came to her eyes because...
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she, unknown to her family, had once been a secret agent too. James and her went way back to the days when she'd been known as 010, when her signature drink had been "Sex on the beach... Straight up, no frills."
Yvonne's hand slid limply from her son's. She'd left that life behind so long ago and the shock of having it thrown in her face so unexpectedly after all this time left her floundering...
Unaware of Gunther's puzzled scrutiny, Yvonne said weakly, "James... It's been so long... Years. I haven't seen you since..."
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"...19dickity2." They had to use the dickity because the Germans stole the word three from them over some civil rights charges involving a cow and a grapefruit. "Why? Why after all these years have you come back? I left that scene long ago, for I was..."
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......."Pregnant with a cow/grapefruit hybrid child. This cow/grapefruit child was you Gunther. Ever wondered why you...."
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take on an orange hue in the sunlight and have four stomachs?"
Gunther was taken aback by this revelation, although he had had suspicions about the four stomachs. "OK, but what I don't understand is, who exactly is my father?"
James Bond turned to Gunther's mother and waited expectantly for the answer. He too was very curious.
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---Interlude---
In the deserted places between cities there are long flat areas where lonely roads have exciting ends and boring middles. These roads could tell you extensive tales of cars travelling this way or that that have no point other than to inform you that life in these barren places is dull.
This was one such tale, and so we now return to the less cohesive but much more interesting tale in progress....
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"OK Gunther, James. You wanted to know." Sh started to answer shakily "Gunther your Father is..." and at that very spilt second, a large, but not purple hippopotomus fell form the sky and landed right on top of Yvonne, leving only her feet sticking out, eaxch adorned with a bright green sparkly shoe.
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Gunther was flabbergasted at this turn of events. Without Yvonne around, who would wash his socks, remind him to clean his ears, and feed him pickled pigs feet (for which he had a lech.) He turned his gaze upon Mr. Bond, the only adult left around. He was horrified to see Bond shaking with suppressed laughter.
"What are you laughing at?!" Gunther asked increduously.
"It's just that..." Bond choked out...
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"...I noticed that the hippo is wearing green underwear with red and blue hearts on it"
And when Guther looked back at the hippo and noticed this too, he also started laughing.
Then he realsied his mom was dead and stopped laughing and wore a big grin on his face. "Now that my mom is dead I can take her green slippers I always wanted"
With that he...
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...Moved closer, only to find several small people standing near the hippo cheering.
"Who are you?" Gunther inquired.
"Aah, Gunther, you have saved up from the wicked witch. We are the Brunchkins. As a reward for youre noble deed of killing the wicked witch you may have the slippers. Also because the dont fit the hippo. But before you take the slippers, I must warn you....
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...that it's been raining hippo's and dogs, and if you don't watchout you may end up under a hippo your selves" with that the little people left still cheering.
Gunther put on the green slippers, they fitted him nicely.
But James Bond wanted the slippers more because...
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he had heard somewhere that they would give him the ability to always find fresh cheese, something he had long wished to be able to do. He stewed and stewed as Gunther tried out the new shoes. *How can I get them away from him?*
As he concentrated on a plan of attack,...
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He decided that his best plan would be to zap Gunther of the face of the earth by using his brand new 007 watch that Q had given him. He raised his hand to aim at the little boy but then found out he had forgotten to put in the new batteries.
So he punched the boy in the face and tried to grab the slippers off the boy's feet but...
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at that very moment, an extremely large, purple polka dotted hippo came crashing down upon him, narrowly missing Gunther, who stepped under a nearby awning.
Gunther was aghast. There he stood, alone, all the adults having run off or recently been squashed. Shrugging, he pondered his predicament, as his stomach grumbled warningly. It had been a long time since lunch. Gunther tried to decide what to eat, and where to get it, with no mom and such, when...
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... as he touched their glittery surface he was filled with the visions of so many different cheeses. There was wensleydale, cheddar, edam, brie, gorgonzola and many many more. The image of some much cheese was so much that he collapsed on the ground mumuring something about dairy products.
Gunther, still mortified by the blow two his face took this oppertunity two run. James, saw this, but was too cheesified to move. Instead he...
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...recognized the hippo on top of him and said the password "easy cheesy lemon squeezy"
At that very moment the hippo got up from top of James and sat down next to him. The hippo was actually a new Merc' Q had designed this time. James took out his car keys and clicked on them which opened a door on the hippo's side, with that he...
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climbed inside the hippo and tried to figure out the controls. There was no steering mechanism, no shifter, and no onboard displays. There was a helmet of sorts, so James put it on his head. From outside, he could hear Gunther's curious exclamations. James ignored him, finding that by concentrating, he could make the hippo move, although it was hard to tell where he was going, because the only viewports where the hippos small eyes. James shrugged and thought hard. Soon, he was jetting off to...
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getting pretty annoyed because the controls didn't work they way he wanted them to, or they didn't work at all. He then closed his eyes and focus deeply into the hippo mobile controls. Still nothing.
Just then he saw a figure appear in front of the hippo'mobile. It was an old man like Obi Wan Kanobi.
Suddenly James heard the man speak "Use the force, James, USE THE FORCE"
With that Obi Wan Kanobi...
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...appeared, replacing the old man who has simply looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi. The new apparition nodded, and James nodded, and Obi-Wan nodded again, and James nodded again and faster, and during all this silly nodding, the hippo began to nod, too, straight for the ground.
James cried, "Who are you, really?"
Obi-Wan said, "I'm Ben Kenobi. Weren't you reading? I am now Obi-Wan Kenobi, though before I just looked like myself. Now I am myself. See?"
"Well I'm heading for the ground. Any last words?"
"Yes. Let go, Luke, let go."
Of course, though the hippo mobile was pointed at the ground, it wasn't really going anywhere. James hadn't started it yet.
"Who's Luke?" James asked.
"You!"
"Me?"
"Yes! Let go, Luke, let go!"
James considered these words of wisdom, then *poof!*, he became Luke Skywalker for hardly any good reason whatsover. It must have been the will of the force...either that or all those metichlorines he'd ingested at the bar last night. But that didn't stop James/Luke. He let go of the controls and suddenly the hippo vehicle started moving.....straight into the ground!
In the wreckage, James' voice floated toward the air in pain:
"What the hell kind of advice was that?"
Obi-Wan sighed. Then he said......
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...."Why bad advice of course. Either that or confusing advice. Take your pick. Any way, I gotta blaze, I'm invited to some Jedi party. Yoda 'll probably be here soon to help you out. If not then I guess you're screwed. Bye!"
With that Obi Wan Kenobi disappeared, leaving James/Luke even more confused than before Obi had turned up. With the new implant of uslelss information he...
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...James/Luke looked at the sky and yelled "Anyone else want to ruin my day feel free to drop out" He meant it to be sarcasm but in this world there was no such thing.
After he said that a man in a black suit dropped from the sky as well.
James/Luke signed *now what!*
This time the man stood up and James/Luke remembered him as being Doctor No. Doctor No said "So, JAmes, we meet again, there is something I must tell you. James... I am your father!"
James/Luke....
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... said, "Oh yeah, 'Doctor Smarty Pants'? Well just for that, I'm your cousin!"
Doctor No was shaken by the remark. "Oh? Oh! Well i was lying. I'm not your father, I'm your uncle!"
"Well I'm your grandpa!"
"Why you!" Doctor No looked for a rock to throw, but couldn't find one. He said, "I'm your momma!"
James/Luke got silent. A tear apeared at his eye. "Momma?"
"Yes!"
James/Luke recognized her now. He ran up and hugged Doctor No/Mama. They embraced. They parted. They smiled.
Doctor No Momma said.......
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"James you are soo guilable" with that Doctor No quickly took a device and through it on James/Lukes feet, with that Doc' No switched on his jet pack and took off to the sky laughing "Mwaaa haaaaaa"
James/Luke, with tears in his eyes, looked up, "but then wheres my mommy..." he said.
Mean while, the device which looked like a bomb was...